YOUR WORST CHRISTMAS

 

We’re going to take a mini-break from our Back to Basics for newcomers and instead, we’ll discuss CHRISTMAS! But with a twist. . . .

 

Maybe you recall a Christmas that was simply awful—a time you were heartbroken, or homeless, or broke, or far from home, or jilted, or frightened, or sick—and your future looked bleak.

 

You remember it as the worst Christmas ever.

 

But I invite you to think again.

 

Writing a memoir can be such a blessed project. Memoir requires taking long, deep looks at the past. Memoir involves pondering, rethinking, unearthing, and finding gems we might not have known were there.

 

Sometimes what seems to be our biggest disaster

can turn out to be a blessing—

one we couldn’t have received without the difficulty.

 

Sometimes we think a calamity will destroy us, but God works in the midst of our situations and, in the way only He can do it, He turns everything inside out and upside down and—instead of destroying us—it makes us stronger and better.

 

Failures. Tangled messes. Catastrophes. Tragedies. Conflicts. Blows. Adversity. Upheavals. Disasters. Setbacks. Unwelcome surprises.

 

God can use our deep disappointments to

• get our attention,
• shake us up a little,
• clear our heads,
• help us see we were putting our hope in something we shouldn’t,
• open new doors for us,
• give us new perspectives,
• tenderize our souls,
• give us fresh starts.

 

God can do all that.

 

That’s what Romans 8:28 is about:  “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purposes for them” (NLT).

 

A long, long time ago, H.C. Trumbull told this story:

 

“The floods washed away home and mill, all the poor man had in the world. But as he stood on the scene of his loss, after the water had subsided, brokenhearted and discouraged, he saw something shining in the bank which the waters had washed bare. ‘It looks like gold,’ he said. It was gold. The flood which had beggared him made him rich. So it is ofttimes in life.” (Quoted by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, Streams in the Desert, January 20 selection.)

 

When turn-arounds and relief and solutions

eventually come our way, it’s so easy to snatch them,

run with them, and never look back.

 

We too easily fail to recognize God’s intervention

on our behalf, and we pay too little attention

to the good He has brought to us

out of our hardships.

 

Take time—make time—to dig through the dirt and ashes

of what you thought was your most disastrous Christmas,

and mine those bits of gold.

 

Search for evidence of God’s healing, new directions He offered you, new friends, and new hope.

 

Pinpoint the ways He strengthened your faith for the future.

 

Recognize these were all part of God’s unique plan for you and your life.

 

Gather those discoveries 

and write stories in your memoir 

that detail the ways God was with you 

n the midst of your worst Christmas ever.

 

Write stories about the way He took a disaster and turned it into something good—blessings you couldn’t have received without that difficulty. Instead of destroying you, it made you stronger and better.

 

If you’ll make time to do that, you can receive heaps of blessings.

 

But it doesn’t end there. Your readers can benefit, too.

 

Take in what Jeff Goins said,

 

“At times, you will hold the keys to another’s prison. . . . 

when you write from the heart, 

your pain will become someone else’s healing balm.”

 

Back to basics: What is a Memoir?

 

If you’re thinking about writing a memoir, you need to know the definition of “memoir.”

 

And if you’re already writing your story, sometimes you need to remind yourself what a memoir is. This helps focus correctly and work efficiently.

 

A memoir is so much more than spinning yarns and telling tales.

 

Since there’s some confusion about the genre of memoir, let’s pin down what it is not: Memoir is not journaling. A journal is private—for your eyes only—but you write a memoir for others to read.

 

A memoir is not an autobiography. An autobiography documents your whole life beginning with the day you were born, but a memoir focuses on one segment of your life—(1) a specific theme or (2) a time period, a slice of life.

 

You can write a memoir based on a theme—for example, the theme of working as a seamstress in Asia, or a food vender at Seattle’s T-Mobile Park, or a stepmother to six kids. 

 

Focus on only that theme, leaving out other topics—such as the fact that you might be friends with a famous movie producer, or that you worked at an animal shelter your first year after college.

 

Or you can write a memoir based on a time period. My first memoir, Grandma’s Letters from Africa, covers my first four years in Africa. My second memoir, Please, God, Don’t Make Me Go: A Foot-Dragger's Memoir, focuses on three years in South America.

 

Another person’s time period might be his teenage years, or the years following a spouse’s death, or service in the Peace Corps. We focus only on that slice of our lives and leave out other topics.

 

We include only those details that pertain to our chosen window of time or our memoir’s theme.

 

Personal reflection is a key ingredient in memoir. Remember that. Most of us need to work on understanding what reflection is because, as Richard Foster observes, “The sad truth is that many authors simply have never learned to reflect substantively on anything.”

 

So, memoirists reflect in a deliberate way:

 

You look back,

peel away layers,

excavate,

find the gems.

Dig them out in pieces if you must, 

but dig them out.

Inspect.

Examine those gems,

ponder their deeper meaning.

Spend as much time as you need 

to make sense of what you discover.

Uncover the deeper, higher, wider, richer story.

 

In the past you might have overlooked something of the utmost importance, so make time to search for those profound lessons—insights, healing, blessings—in the events of your life.

 

In the process, you might need to do a “Doggie Head Tilt,” a phrase Michael Metzger coined. “If your head never tilts,” he says, “your mind never changes.” True!

 

In the process of reflecting, answer these questions:

• What new things have I learned about myself because of the key events of my life?
• What new things did I learn about significant people in my life? About God?
• How have these discoveries made me into a different, better person?

 

Not all memoirs include a spiritual dimension.

 

But if you are writing a spiritual memoir, keep this in mind: It does not require that you have exceptional, supernatural religious stories to write about, stories that would make the evening news and get tweeted around the world. Instead, look for ways God was involved in your everyday life.

 

You don’t have to write about God in every chapter. Whether you realized it at the time or not, He was with you, busy working out His good plans for His children—and from time to time in your stories you can spell out what He was doing. And do so in a winsome way, rather than sounding holier-than-thou.

 

Jesus said,

“Go tell your family everything God has done for you”

(Luke 8:39).

 

Write your memoirs!

 

When you didn’t even know God was there: Discovering His fingerprints

 

As you compose your memoir, take special note of what God was doing—even if at the time, His role was under the radar.

 

Maybe what you thought was a mere coincidence was much more—it was God Himself intervening.

 

Lloyd Ogilvie writes about the parable of the Good Samaritan and the phrase “now by chance” in Luke 10:31-35:

 

“Now by chance a priest was going down the road,” as was a Levite after him, and a Samaritan after him.

 

Ogilvie writes:

 

“The Greek word translated by the word ‘chance’

means ‘coincidence.’

But not even that word gets at the core of the meaning

of the Greek word. . . .

It means a confluence of circumstances

which seem to happen by chance

but are really events interwoven

by divine providence

for the accomplishment of a greater purpose.”

(Silent Strength for My Life)

 

Read that again.

 

In writing your memoir, look for occasions when something seemed to happen by chance or seemed coincidental. Ask yourself: Were they, in reality, “events interwoven by divine providence”—by God’s foresight and guidance and plan?

 

Give yourself plenty of time to search for answers.

 

Remember what makes memoir so rich, so special. A memoir goes beyond writing about what happened.

 

It involves discovering the significance of what happened

and what you did about it or with it.

 

Reflection is a key ingredient in writing a memoir. Most people need to work on reflecting because, as Richard Foster observes, “The sad truth is that many authors simply have never learned to reflect substantively on anything.”

 

The remedy?

 

To reflect in a meaningful, deliberate way.

 

Take a closer look at the incidents in your life, your decisions, your relationships:

 

• Consider
• Ponder
• Contemplate
• Deliberate
• Ruminate
• Cogitate
• Wonder
• Mull over
• Chew on
• Wonder about
• Think about
• Weigh
• And study

 

• Look back
• Peel away layers
• Excavate
• Find the gems.
• Dig them out in pieces if you must, but dig them out.
• Inspect them. Look for God’s fingerprints.

 

Spend as much time as you need to make sense of what you discover—to pinpoint those aspects of your life that were indeed not just coincidence, not just something that happened by chance, but were in fact the work of God.

 

This week search for any of God’s fingerprints you might have overlooked in the past. Put in writing how your life changed as a result. How did God use the event to prepare you for the future? Deepen your faith?

 

Think about what Jacob said in Genesis 28:16,

 

“God was in this place and I wasn’t even aware of it.”

When has that happened in your life?

 

Uncover the richer, higher, deeper, wider, broader story,

the story of what God was doing.

 

Discovering that will change your heart and life

in ways you can’t imagine!

 

While you're writing your rough draft, God will continue working

 

Making peace with our problems—our heartaches, disasters, tragedies, mysteries—takes time.

 

So, too, our memoirs: Stories need time to marinate.

 

God’s timetable is usually different than ours—He often makes us wait—but within our waiting, God acts (even if we don’t sense that He’s doing anything). 

 

One of my favorite Bible stories is that of Habakkuk, who said, “I will stand like a guard to watch. . . . I will wait to see what the Lord will say to me” (Habakkuk 2:1).

 

Perhaps by now you’ve discovered that in your waiting and watching, God has acted. Your story is coming to maturity.

 

You’ve found some long-hidden answers. You’ve discovered some clarification over past mysteries.

 

It’s as if you’re experiencing

what Habakkuk did:

“The Lord answered me: ‘Write down what I show you.

Write it clearly’.”

(Habakkuk 2:2)

 

When your story is ripening

(not fully ripe, just on the way),

it’s time to begin writing your memoir . . . 

because . . .

 

Here’s something interesting and delightful:

While you're writing your rough draft, 

God will continue working.

Even more puzzle pieces will fall into place.

You’ll stumble upon insights and answers

that evaded you too long.

You’ll find additional healing from past heartaches.

How amazing is that?!

 

“Count your blessings backward”

Sandra Clifton was desperately in need. In her discouragement, she cried out to God, “Are You there?”

 

Sandra seemed to hear God answer, “Count your blessings—backward!”

 

Think about that! Count your blessings—backward!

 

And so she did—Sandra began to examine her past, to remember what God had done.

 

In doing so, she discovered God had been guiding and providing for her even though she hadn’t detected it.

 

“I realized what God wanted me to understand: that He had been at work all along, setting up circumstances to bring His will to pass in my life. Recalling previous blessings and answered prayers reminded me of this truth. It is what David meant by ‘encouraging himself in the Lord.’

 

Sandra continues, “Tracing our blessings backward shows us the ‘pattern’ of God’s involvement in our lives. It allows us to see that the very obstacles we face today could be the things that set us up for His blessings tomorrow.”

 

“Today’s blessings are a result of the Father’s masterful orchestration of people and events,” she points out.

 

Sandra’s message is a glorious one, 

and it’s also what writing a spiritual memoir is all about.

 

We memoirists devote ourselves to remembering what God has done in the past. “‘Remember’ is the most frequent command in the Old Testament,” writes Mike Metzger.

 

We examine what happened in the past, we ponder, we take a broader, wider, deeper, higher look.

 

We search for God’s fingerprints.

 

We look for patterns in our lives.

 

We reflect in a deliberate way.

 

We connect the dots.

 

We trace our blessings backward. 

What a superb, blessed experience that can be!

 

What do you need to remember today?

 

Think back on your conversations with God—and write about them.

 

Remember how He confirmed His direction for your life—and write about it.

 

Remember what you committed to Him, remember the Bible verses that inspired you to make that commitment—and write about all that.

 

Remember your joy in setting out—and write about it.

 

Remember all the ways God walked hand in hand with you when you stumbled through rough spots, through dread-filled times, through your anguish—and write about it.

 

Remember raising your hands in surrender to God, trusting Him for His best outcome for your life—and write about it.

 

Remember the ways He brought you to a new and good place—and write about all of that.

 

And take joy in your writing!

 

Reading memoirs can make you a stronger writer

 Matilda Butler at Women’s Memoirs encourages memoirists to read lots of memoirs, to “read broadly and think deeply.”

 

I am tempted to add a condition to that.

 

While I agree it’s wise to “read broadly and think deeply,” I say: Read good memoirs, memoirs written by people who understand what a memoir is (and is not), written by people who have a good grasp of what good writing is (and is not).

 

I’ve read several memoirs that have received rave reviews and attention but, in my opinion, they are not stellar. I want to say, “Don’t read them!” However  . . . . 

 

However, Matilda says “Even memoirs that aren’t particularly good can teach lessons,” and I must agree.

 

When reading memoirs, good ones or not-so-good, Matilda has these tips:

 

“You can ask yourself:

 

• What do I like in this book?
• What is off-putting?
• How would I handle the story differently if I were writing this book?
• Is the opening weak?
• What ideas do I have to make the opening stronger?”

 

Matilda continues,

“Thinking about a memoir,

questioning a memoir,

even rewriting a few paragraphs of a memoir

will make you a stronger writer.”

 

How can you retrieve your faded memories?

 

Writing your memoir can surprise you by bringing past events into a new light. As you make time to remember and ponder, new insights into old experiences will surface. Puzzle pieces will fall into place.

 

Frederick Buechner explains what he discovered when he penned his personal stories in The Sacred Journey and Now and Then.

"They gave me more of a sense than I had ever had before of how as far back as I could remember things had been stirring in my life that I was all but totally unaware of at the time.

"If anybody had predicted when I was an undergraduate at Princeton that I was going to be ordained as a minister ten years after graduation, I think I would have been flabbergasted.

"Yet as I wrote . . . I found myself remembering small events as far back as early childhood which were even then leading me in something like a direction but so subtly and almost imperceptibly that it wasn't until decades had passed that I saw them for what they were. . . .

"The events were often so small that I was surprised to remember them, yet they turned out to have been road markers on a journey I didn't even know I was taking.

"The people involved in them were often people I had never thought of as having played particularly significant roles in my life yet looking back at them I saw that, for me, they had been life-givers, saints." (Frederick Buechner, Originally published in Telling Secrets)

God longs for us to remember what He has done (Psalm 105:5), but we so easily forget!

 

Memories are vital components of memoirs, so how can we retrieve the faded ones?

 

If you kept a journal in the past, you have a treasure. It will be packed with events and details and personal insights that you might have forgotten over the years.

 

Old letters—that you wrote or received—can also help remember significant events and people.

 

Look through your Bible, devotionals, or Bible study materials. If you’re like me, you’ve jotted memories and dates in the margins.

 

Some people print and save special emails they’ve sent or received.

 

Here’s another idea to help you retrieve your memories of a key place: Sketch a floor plan and/or the neighborhood. Maybe you’re writing about your childhood home or about Boy Scout camp. Or maybe you’re writing about an office building in a bustling city. Sketching that place will help remember details.

 

While you draw, memories will bubble up and percolate.

 

Don’t believe me? Give it a try! As you sketch, jot down notes about who was with you and what significant events took place there.

 

But that’s just the beginning!

 

Memoirists go beyond remembering the past. Memoirists search for significance. Relevance.

 

Pondering, unraveling, piecing together, reflecting—all are necessary ingredients in memoirs. Tell readers what you now see, in retrospect. Look for deeper meanings and connections, as Frederick Buechner did, above.

 

Looking back, what did you learn about yourself?

 

What patterns did you discover that you hadn’t noticed before?

 

How did the place and people shape your life? And prepare you for your future?

 

Maybe, like Buechner, you'll notice that you'd been on a journey you didn't even realize you were taking.

What was God doing? What did you learn about Him? Like Frederick Buechner, did you discover God’s purpose for your life?

 

When you pull your memories out of hibernation, give yourself plenty of time to examine them and answer the above questions.

 

Look for relevance you might have missed in the past.

Search for profound lessons you learned.

Notice defining moments and turning points.

Make time to discover insights.

Identify healing and blessings that were there all along.

Uncover your richer, higher, deeper, wider story.

And then share it with others.

When you follow God’s breadcrumb trail and listen for “a deeper sound”

 

When we start writing, we have no idea where our memories and ponderings will take us. 

 

The process of crafting a memoir changes the way we hear.

 

It opens our eyes.

 

It helps us discover a higher, deeper, broader story.

 

And the process of writing changes our hearts.

 

“The written word

preserves what otherwise might be lost

among the impressions that inundate our lives.

Thoughts, insights, and perceptions

constantly threaten to leave us

before we have the opportunity

to grasp their meaning.

Writing can keep technology-driven, fast-paced,

quick-fix, ambiguity-intolerant modern life

from overpowering us—

and give us something palpable upon which to reflect.

 

Reflection slows matters down.

It analyzes what was previously unexamined,

and opens doors to different interpretations

of what was there all along.

Writing, by encouraging reflection,

intensifies life.”

 

(Editors Ben Jacobs and Helena Hjalmarsson,

The Quotable Book Lover)

 

Think back to a time when the unexpected happened, something scary or challenging or disappointing. Or maybe it was downright tragic—heartbreaking, life-changing.

 

One time—only one time, I’m sad to say—when something devastating happened, almost immediately Romans 8:28 came to mind: “And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into His plans” (The Living Bible).

 

I told myself that ultimately I’d recognize the good God could bring from the tragedy. I told myself to watch God work. I couldn’t imagine what those blessings might be—those lessons, insights, and opportunities to mature, gain wisdom, and grow in faith—so I waited and watched. And sure enough, He did bring beauty from ashes.

 

I wish that every time hardship blindsided me, I’d have watched for the goodness He worked, but I admit I rarely have.

 

Maybe you’ve had the same experience.

 

Not all is lost at such times, though, if we think back and search for those good things God brought. They’re just waiting for us to recognize them.

 

But too often I’ve forgotten to go back and look for the gems He unearthed from my dirt. I feel bad about that.

 

Mike Metzger’s quote has come to mind frequently in the years since I ran across it:

 

“Many churches have forgotten the premium

that the historic Judeo-Christian tradition placed on

remembrance…and recalling the right things.

The ‘great sin’ of the Old Testament was forgetfulness

(at least it is the most recurrent offense).

‘Remember’ is the most frequent command

in the Old Testament.” 

(Clapham Memo, January 19, 2007,

“Back and Forth,” by Mike Metzger; emphasis mine)

 

Because of Mike’s quote, in recent years I’ve made an effort to remember what God has done for me and my family. Doing so requires me to make time to search my memories.

 

By definition, writing a memoir requires us to go back, to uncover—to excavate, unearth, dig, till the soil and sift through it—looking for diamonds and emeralds.

 

In the process, we might need to stand to the side and take a different look: We need to do a “Doggie Head Tilt,” another Mike Metzger quote. He says, “If your head never tilts, your mind never changes.”

 

So, we tilt our heads and

look at that difficulty from another angle.

We rethink what happened, we reevaluate,

and maybe arrive at a different conclusion

than we had come to before.

 

In Psalm 86:17, David prays, “Give me a sign of your goodness.”

That’s what we memoirists are looking for:

Signs of God’s goodness.

Souvenirs, if you will, for us to keep and cherish.

Symbols, proofs of His goodness.

Evidence. Confirmations.

When God comforts us with them, they become gems

for us to share with others.

 

So we find those treasures, those signs of goodness, and we piece them together, like stringing jewels to make a necklace. While we do so, we examine them, we ponder and reflect on them.

 

We ask ourselves:

• What was God doing?
• What lessons was He teaching me?
• What new insights do I now have?
• How did He change my heart?
• How has my life changed as a result?
• What message did He give me to share with others?

 

Yes, indeed, when we start composing a memoir, we have no idea where our memories and ponderings and writings will take us. 

 

The process of writing opens our eyes and changes our hearts. It helps us discover a higher, deeper, broader story.

 

Our job as memoirists

is to set aside time, as long as it takes,

to follow the breadcrumb trail

God has left for us to help us find our way.

 

And then we share our findings with others

who need help navigating their way.

 

In that way,

penning a memoir can be a sacred journey,

even an act of worship.

 

Discover the blessings God has handed you

in the midst of your hard times,

and then write your memoir,

knowing others need the hope

and wisdom and blessings you have to offer.

 

“Look where you have not had the heart to look before”

“Every once in a while, life can be very eloquent.

You go along from day to day

not noticing very much,

not seeing or hearing very much,

and then all of a sudden, something speaks to you

with such power

that it catches you off guard,

makes you listen whether you want to or not.

Something speaks to you out of your own life

with such directness

that it is as if it calls you by name and forces you to look

where you have not had the heart to look before,

to hear something that maybe for years

you have not had the wit or the courage to hear.”

(Frederick Buechner, Secrets in the Dark; emphasis mine)

Writing your memoir can be like that: Within the reflecting and pondering and excavating and decoding, something pops up, something  breaks you right open and “forces you to look where you have not had the heart to look before.”

You can no longer ignore it, hoping it will disappear. You know in your heart of hearts that you can’t turn away.

You’ve arrived at a defining moment.

If, in writing your memoir, you unexpectedly “hear something that maybe for years you have not had the wit or the courage to hear,” recognize that God is doing something profound.

Set aside time and make a serious effort to listen for God’s still small voice. Be willing to search your soul. God can help you make sense of what you're hearing and make peace with it.

Initially, you might not welcome that process, but it can be good and valuable—if you give God your undivided attention for as long as it takes.

By breaking you open, God can help you break through to a higher, wider, deeper place of faith and joy in Him.

God can open your eyes to see events and relationships in new ways. He can give you a more accurate understanding of His love for you: You are beloved and secure in Him (Deuteronomy 33:12), He takes great delight in you, quiets you in His love, and rejoices over you with singing (Zephaniah 3:17).

Getting there can be a long and painful process, but if you stick with God and search the Bible and listen and pray, He can shine light on your darkness. He can give you a new song to sing.

Take in these words of dear David, the psalmist:

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground

and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God. 

(Psalm 40:1-2, NLT)

When that happens—when God brings you to that good, new place—resume writing. Consider your memoir your new song of praise.

“It is through memory that we are able to reclaim much of our lives that we have long since written off by finding that in everything that has happened to us over the years, God was offering us possibilities of new life and healing, which, though we may have missed them at the time, we can . . . be brought to life by and healed by all these years later.” (Frederick Buechner, Telling Secrets; emphasis mine)

So, marvel at God’s goodness. Cherish His grace.

Use your memoir to:

Sing a new song to the Lord! . . .

Publish His glorious deeds. . . .

Tell everyone about the amazing things He does.

(Psalm 96:1-3, NLT)