Back to Basics: How do you write about your family’s baggage?

 

Your relatives and mine include a lot of fine people, but let’s be honest: Our family trees include at least a few dysfunctional people—parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles.

 

And our generation has skeletons in the closet. And maybe our kids and grandkids do, too. Every family has baggage.

 

You know—

• the one who should have protected you but didn’t
• the bully
• the controller
• the know-it-all
• the manipulator
• the narcissist
• the gossip
• the petty one who always looked for ways to take offense
• the wife-beater
• the critic
• the egotistical and self-absorbed
• the double-crosser
• the drunkard
• the liar
• the murderer
• the adulterer
• the sex addict
• the drug addict
• the thief.

 

Imperfect people have influenced you.

 

Some have played major roles in your life.

 

So . . . how should you write about them

and their baggage?

 

First, examine your motive. That is all-important!

 

Promise yourself to refrain from humiliating anyone. Refuse to get even. Avoid shaming. Remember: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17, 21). (See last week’s post, Don’t start writing your memoir until. . . ”) 

 

Writing a memoir can bring

much-needed healing to you, so that’s good.

 

And you can help break the cycle

of hand-me-down hang-ups

that crippled your family’s generations—

just focus on the right reason

to write about people in your past.

 

“God’s Word clearly expresses what a good and effective teacher the past can be. The past will be a good teacher if we will simply approach it as a good student, from the perspective of what we can gain and how God can use it for His glory. (Beth Moore, Breaking  Free)

 

First, seek to be at peace with God:

 

Recognize that like your family members, you have made and will make mistakes in raising your children and relating to your grandchildren. Your flaws might be different than those of your relatives, but you have your own shortcomings. And failures. And dysfunctions. (Don’t miss an earlier post: A sobering reality: Everyone’s dysfunctional.)

 

Banish bitterness.

Ask for God’s forgiveness.

Accept His forgiveness.

Allow God to wrap you in His grace and mercy.

 

Wrapped in God’s grace and mercy—that’s where you find peace with God.

 

In writing your memoir,

you don’t have to act as if sins against you

and others were okay.

They were not.

 

But I encourage you offer your family members

the same forgiveness, grace, and mercy

God has extended to you.

(You might want to meet with a therapist—

just be sure he or she is competent.

Not all are trustworthy!)

 

Read the following slowly, and then read it again. Take in its message:

 

“Thank God that although you cannot change the past,

He can help you change what you’re doing with it!

And the changes He makes in you in the present

can certainly change the future!”

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free)

 

Next week we’ll continue with insights from William Zinsser, such a dear man, about how to write about those who wounded you. Don’t miss it. His message is powerful!

 

Back to Basics: Connecting the dots of your life

 

If you’re a newcomer here at SM 101, you’ll soon recognize that I urge memoirists to connect their dots. Among other benefits, connecting your dots will help you with your story arc. (If you missed recent posts on your story arc, click on Your memoir’s all-important story arc as well as Your memoir’s middle and end. And don’t miss Is your story arc eluding you?)

 

Connecting your dots is also important for you personally.

 

Because, you see, your memoir is a gift not only to readers,

but especially to yourself: 

In writing, you can look back,

connect the dots,

follow the bread crumbs,

and realize

—maybe as never before—

that God has pointed you toward destinations

He planned especially for you—

good places,

even if they didn’t look good at the time.

 

Perhaps you’ll find yourself in Henri Nouwen’s words: “In every critical event, there is an opportunity for God to act creatively and reveal a deeper truth than what we see on the surface of things. God can also turn around critical incidents and seemingly hopeless situations in our lives and reveal light in darkness.” (Discernment)

 

By “connect your dots,” I mean this: Search for the ways God was involved in arranging the key events of your life, and then identify the ways He strings them together—how He “connects the dots.”

 

First, identify your dots:

 

• interruptions that popped into your life,
• disappointments, roadblocks,
• surprises (good and not-so-good),
• where you chose to get your education,
• jobs you took,
• people you met (including your future spouse),
• houses you bought,
• setbacks,
• failures,
• the birth of your children,
• the death of a significant person,
• a conversation with a stranger,
• an accident or illness that changed your life,
• major decisions you had to make,
• meeting the person who’d become your best friend,
• and everything having to do with your faith in God.

 

Look back—take as long as you need. Identify your dots, your turning points, those pivotal moments.

 

Once you’ve done that, string your dots together. What do they all mean in relation to each other?

 

What was God doing over the years to point you in the right direction? How did He use one “dot” to prepare you for the next “dot”? And then the next one? And what did He do to bring you to where you are today?

 

In her Bible study, Esther, Beth Moore writes, “If we could only see what is  happening around us in the unseen realm, our eyes would nearly pop out of socket. . . . So much that would thrill us lies beyond our sight. . . .” How exciting is that?!

 

That’s why memoirists must invest time in retrospection, make an effort to dig deeply into the past, connect the dots, string them together, and make sense of what happened in the past. Recognize how you became the person you are today.

 

Yes, that’s a lot of work—but, oh! The treasures you’ll discover!

 

String together all the ways God has been working out His good plans for your life.

 

“He’s weaving pieces together

that will tell of His faithfulness

when generations to come read the pages of your life.”

Kaitlyn Bouchillon

 

“Never believe that the so-called random events of life

are anything less than God’s appointed order.

Be ready to discover His divine designs

anywhere and everywhere.”

(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

How do you write about your family’s baggage?

 

Your ancestors and mine included a lot of fine people, but let’s be honest: Our family trees also include at least a few dysfunctional people—parents, grandparents, great-grandparents. Some carried out unhealthy practices and held offensive attitudes.

 

And now our generation has skeletons in the closet. Every family has baggage.

 

You know—the enabler.

 

Or the one who should have protected you but didn’t.

 

The bully, the controller, the know-it-all.

 

The petty one always looking for ways to take offense and blame you.

 

Your grandfather might have been a wife-beater.

 

Perhaps your father was quick to criticize and slow to praise.

 

Maybe your mother was egotistical and self-absorbed.

 

Your family tree might include a drunkard, a liar, murderer, adulterer, sex addict, drug addict, or a thief.

 

Even Jesus’ genealogical chart shows ill-famed characters: Rahab was a prostitute and King Manasseh deliberately defied God, carried out evil, and led God’s people astray.

 

Your family’s imperfect people have influenced you.

 

Some of the dysfunctional ones have played major roles in your life.

 

So, how should you, a memoirist, write about your people and their baggage?

 

First, examine your motive. That is all-important!

 

Hear this: Memoir is not about revenge.

 

Forbid yourself to use your memoir to shame people.

 

Refrain from humiliating anyone.

 

Refuse to get even.

 

Writing a memoir can bring much-needed healing

to you, the writer.

 

And writing can help break the cycle

of hand-me-down hang-ups

that crippled your family’s generations—

 

but focus on the right reason to write about your people.

 

“God’s Word clearly expresses

what a good and effective teacher the past can be.

The past will be a good teacher

if we will simply approach it as a good student,

from the perspective of what we can gain

and how God can use it for His glory.”

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free)

 

Do everything you must to be at peace with God:

• Recognize that like your parents and grandparents, you have made and will make mistakes in your marriage, in raising children, and in relating to grandchildren.
• Your malfunctions might be different from those of your parents or grandparents but, be assured, you have your own shortcomings and failures.
• Ask for God’s forgiveness.
• Accept His forgiveness.
• Allow God to wrap you in His grace and mercy.

 

Wrapped in God’s grace and mercy—that’s where you find peace with God.

 

Then pass it on: In writing your memoir,

you don’t need to act as if sins against you and others

were somehow okay.

They weren’t.

But I encourage you to extend to your ancestors

the same forgiveness, grace, and mercy God extended to you.

 

Read the following slowly, and then read it again. Take in its message:

 

“Thank God that

although you cannot change the past,

He can help you change what you’re doing with it!

And the changes He makes in you

in the present

can certainly change the future!”

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free)

 

Refuse to take the lazy route

 

Chuck Swindoll writes about “people who go through life with their eyes closed. They look but don’t really ‘see’ . . . they observe the surface but omit the underneath . . . they focus on images but not issues . . . vision is present but perception is absent. . . .

 

“Remove insight,” Chuck continues, “and you suddenly reduce life to existence with frequent flashes of boredom and indifference. . . . Please understand, I do not mean to be critical of those who cannot go deeper . . . but of those who can but will not.”

 

Chuck concludes: “Open your eyes! Think! Apply! Dig! Listen!” (Charles R. Swindoll, Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life)

 

Chuck’s message is perfect for those who write memoirs.

 

Many a time you’ve heard me emphasize the importance of introspection and reflection when it comes to writing a memoir. Of digging deeply.

 

But it’s hard work to make time for all that contemplating and assessing.

 

And all too often we’re in a hurry to get our stories in print.

 

However, I urge you to do what Chuck says: “Open your eyes! Think! Apply! Dig! Listen!” so that you can write multi-layered stories based on not only what happened, but what it all means—what you learned and where it all led.

 

What do you recognize now that you overlooked in the past?

What do you know now that you didn’t know before?

 

And this is so important: What was God doing?

 

What new places did God take you—

emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually?

In hindsight, what new opportunities did He give you?

What lessons did He teach you?

How is your relationship with Him different now?

 

Sit quietly with your story and imagine God sitting there beside you. He’s eager to help you dissect your past and make sense of it.

 

Listen for what He might tell you. Watch for what He might show you.

 

Often He surprises us with what He helps us piece together. What new person are you now as a result of your past experiences and your examination of them?

 

If you want to uncover the profound parts of your story,

you need to invest in reflection and introspection.

Go deep. Refuse to stay in the shallow end.

 

“Oftentimes insight into what all has transpired comes later and in layers,” writes Beth Moore. “One of the many gifts of aging in a walk with God is that you can look over your shoulder and see that some pieces of the puzzle really did end up fitting. Yep,” she says, “this makes sense. Surely didn’t at the time.”

 

As a memoirist, then, your job is to recollect, reminisce, identify, contemplate, review. And snap puzzle pieces together.

 

Beth Barthelemy asks herself, 

and we memoirists would do well to ask ourselves: 

“Am I willing to sit in silence—

highly uncomfortable for those of us who are new to it—

in order to hear the voice of God?”

 

Your daily life: “Imagine the divine activities behind the scene”

In her Bible study, Esther, Beth Moore suggests that we “imagine the divine activities behind the scene[s].”

Those few words remind me of my challenge to all you memoirists writing stories with a spiritual dimension. You’ll often hear me say, “Connect your dots.”

By “connect your dots,” I mean this: Search for the ways God was involved in arranging the key events of your life, and then identify the ways He strings them together—how He “connects the dots.”

Beth continues, “If we could only see what is  happening around us in the unseen realm, our eyes would nearly pop out of socket. . . . So much that would thrill us lies beyond our sight. . . .”

Beth writes that God sometimes appears in the midst of a crisis “dressed in the best disguise of all: ordinary events. He tucks a miracle in the folds of His robe and sweeps in and out unnoticed.

“Only in retrospect do we realize that a divine visitation graced our cold, crude winter and the resurrection of spring is on its way.

“Sometimes we grab the hem of Christ’s garment for dear life. . . . Other times it brushes past us and we never recognize that the turn-around marking the months to come began with a single touch.”

She calls those events “so forgettably ordinary.”

So forgettable. So ordinary. Sigh.

That’s why memoirists must invest time in retrospection. That’s why memoirists must set aside time and make an effort to dig deeply into the past, to uncover, piece together, connect the dots, and make sense of what happened in the past.

Yes, that’s a lot of work—but, oh! The treasures you’ll discover!

Amy Carmichael wrote of new insights she received one day in reading Deuteronomy 11 when God was sending the Israelites to the land of milk and honey with the promise that “the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on [the land] from the beginning of the year to its end” (vs 12).

Amy wrote, “‘From the beginning of the year until the end of the year’—much is folded up in that. The day of the week, the hour of the day, every minute of the day, not one is outside His care.” (Edges of His Ways)

Think on those words

while you reflect and ponder and piece together your story—

while you connect your dots.

From the beginning to the end, God’s eye is on you.

Every minute.

“Never believe that the so-called random events of life are anything less than God’s appointed order. Be ready to discover His divine designs anywhere and everywhere.” (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest)

Ideas and inspiration for you as you write your memoir

Every so often I post quotations, poems, and Bible verses to trigger ideas for vignettes or themes to include in your memoir.

I’m happy to say I have the next batch ready for you. At least one of these quotations will remind you of a significant experience from your past—maybe a lesson you learned, or perhaps a major life-changing decision, or an insight that helped everything fall into place.

Or maybe one of these will help clarify why you chose your career, or married your spouse, or stopped doing something, or started doing something. The possibilities are endless.

So, settle in and take a couple of minutes to ponder these inspiring quotations.

“I trembled, yet my heart’s deep trust replied, ‘So be it, Lord.’” Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

“Wisdom is . . . understanding we’re not a pretty box of identical pastel-colored macarons lined up in formation on tissue paper, rather a mess of broken and crumbled biscuits at the bottom of a rumpled package. A beautiful and beloved mess.” Linda Hoye

“I the Lord do not change” (Malachi 3:6, NCV). “Gracious God . . . You do not change. May Your changeless love and reliability give me the courage to change what needs to be changed in my life.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

“I often misinterpret the hardships of my life as evidence that God is against me.” RyanChase. (Read his whole post, “Strength for Today, Hope for Tomorrow.”)

“The human hand—this bundle of bones, flesh, and nerves—think of all it can do. It can bless or curse. It can draw blood or bind a wound.  It is gentle, agitated, vicious; supplicating, ardent, tender. It can weld an iron bridge or caress a child’s head. It possesses the power to both harm and heal.” Karl Joseph Friedrich

God is not limited by your failures, weaknesses, feelings, thoughts, or fears. Linda K.Thomas

One song can spark a moment

One flower can wake a dream

One tree can start a forest

One bird can herald spring

One smile begins a friendship

One handclasp lifts a soul

One star can guide a ship at sea

One vote can change a nation

One sunbeam lights a room

One candle wipes out darkness

One laugh will conquer gloom

One step must start one journey

One word must start each prayer

One hope will raise our spirits

One touch can show you care

One voice can speak with wisdom

One heart can know what’s true.

One life can make a difference.

You see, it’s up to you.

(author unknown)

“Almighty God . . . some problems You won’t solve until I’m ready to be used by You in working out the solutions. Sometimes You wait until I am ready to be part of the miracle You want to perform. Show me what You want me to do.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

“Repentance is not merely saying, ‘I’m sorry.’ Repentance means your heart is broken over what you did, and more than anything, you want God to forgive you. It doesn’t stop there. Repentance means you choose to live differently in the future.” Linda K.Thomas

“LAUGH! Give yourself permission to laugh

—long and loud and out loud —

whenever anything strikes you as funny.

The people around you may think you’re strange,

but sooner or later they’ll join in

even if they don’t know what you’re laughing about.

Some diseases may be contagious,

but none is as contagious as the cure . . .

laughter.”

Peter McWilliams

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” Proverbs 4:23

“Listen... and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path.” Proverbs 23:26

“But there he sat. Scrunched in the corner by the door. Humble. Lowly. Dirty. One you would certainly miss if you weren’t looking. But I didn’t miss him; he was staring intently. His eyes met mine with both invitation and conviction. They practically asked me, Are you just like them? Another one rushing past me to get that cup of [coffee] to warm your hands for the day? Everything in me wanted to snap back, ‘Well, yes, I am. . . .’ But I didn’t. . . . I stopped. . . . I drew near, and the closer I got the more I couldn’t help but inhale his stench and observe his deep, dirty lines of life-pain. . . . God knew. He positioned that man at the door and me heading to it. He set up a [chance encounter] founded on the principle of love. . . . God’s deep affection was stored up in this chance connection of two unlikely souls. It often is . . . . What if I had pretended like I couldn’t see him or hear him and just kept walking?” Kelly Balarie

“God says, 

‘Dare to believe I have better rewards for you 

than the goals you pursue outside My will.’” 

Marie Chapian

“God is not ashamed of the lowliness of human beings. God marches right in. He chooses people as his instruments and performs his wonders where one would least expect them. God is near to lowliness; he loves the lost, the neglected, the unseemly, the excluded, the weak and broken.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“At strategic times of internal war I stop and ask myself,

‘What if this is a critical moment? 

What if this very thing, this very decision, 

is the most important piece of the puzzle comprising my purpose?’”

Beth Moore

"God is whispering well-nigh incessantly. Whenever the sounds of the world die out in the soul, or sink low, then we hear the whisperings of God. He is always whispering to us, only we do not hear, because of the noise, hurry, and distraction which life causes as it rushes on." F. W.Faber

"Refrain from shrieking or squawking."

Linda K. Thomas

"Be a leader in doing what is right." Linda K. Thomas

Look at yourself through the eyes of God: 

“If you were to think of yourself as I think of you, 

how different you would be. 

If you were to think of yourself as I think of you, 

how glad, how healthy, how satisfied you would be.” 

Marie Chapian

Be confident that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” Philippians 1:6

"Hope is not optimism. Hope is a dog fight for serious people determined to make it in a difficult world. Hope is not cute or whimsical, wishful thinking. It is a resolution to trust the promises of God even when everything around looks bleak. Hope is for grown-ups." Lee Younger

“Most of the time God’s promises are in your reach. They are not in your hand. You have to go get them.” Tony Evans

“Any grief we have gone through ourselves and given over to the Lord’s healing is a preparation for comforting others. . . . As one who has received comfort from Christ, I will think of myself as a communicator of comfort.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

“Don’t let what you’re afraid of keep you from what you were made for.” Bob Goff on Twitter

“When you realize God’s purpose for your life isn’t just about you, He will use you in a mighty way.” Tony Evans

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.  The true neighbor will risk his position, his prestige, and even his life for the welfare of others. In dangerous valleys and hazardous pathways, he will lift some bruised and beaten brother to a higher and more noble life." Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The Lord wants to use us as agents of encouragement.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

"Do the next thing." Elisabeth Elliot

“May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. . . .” Ephesians 3:17

“. . . Our happiness does not depend on the work we are doing, the place we are in, our friends, our health, whether people notice us or not, praise us or not, understand us or not. No single one of the circumstances has any power in itself to upset the joy of God, but it can instantly and utterly quench it if we look at the circumstances instead of up into the Face of light and love that is looking down upon us—the Face of our own God.” Amy Carmichael

“Never once in [Scriptures] . . . is the Christian life regarded as something in any way naturally easy.” Amy Carmichael

“If you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul. Return to the Lord your God and obey Him. He is merciful and will not abandon or destroy you.” Deuteronomy 4:29-31

“If things are tough,

remember that every flower that ever bloomed

had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there.”

Barbara Johnson

“The stories of our ancestors inspire the heroes of our future.” Author unknown

“Where we love is home—home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“The greatest act of courage is to simply keep facing one direction when everything in you wants to turn and run. Stand your shaky, holy ground.” Ann Voskamp

“Create in me a pure heart, O  God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10, NIV

What experiences or events 

or turning points 

came to mind when you read these quotes?

What stories can you tell about them?

What wisdom and blessing and hope 

will you share with others through your memoir? 

Don’t start writing your memoir until. . . .

“Do you love?” asks Beth Kephart in Handling the Truth: On the Writing of Memoir. “Are you still learning to love?”

“It’s a question . . . we must repeatedly ask ourselves, especially when we’re writing memoir.”

Beth, an award-winning author of 23 books, including several memoirs, says that if we don’t know what we love,

if we’re not capable of loving,

if we’re focused too much on self (“if we’re stuck in a stingy, fisted-up place”),

if we’re too angry,

if we haven’t allowed grace to take the edge off disappointments,

if “we haven’t stopped hurting long enough to look up and see the others who hurt with us,”

if we “only have words . . . for our mighty wounds and our percolating scars,”

then it’s likely too soon to begin writing a memoir.

Instead, Beth offers this starting point:

Make a list of little things that bring you happiness, those things that embrace beauty and goodness and love.

Beth’s not suggesting you cover up your sorrows and wounds.

She advises, “Rest assured you’ll be given a chance to tell the whole story soon. But start, for now, with love.”

Her suggestion reminds me of Philippians 4:8, “Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.” (The Living Bible)

The Message says it this way: “. . . You’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

You’ll no doubt include many kinds of stories in your memoir—adventure stories, sad stories, funny stories, heartbreaking stories, heartwarming stories.

By incorporating Beth’s suggestions in each of them,

by including love and gratitude,

writing your God-and-you stories

is a way to thank Him for all He has done for you.

Beth’s Handling the Truth: On the Writing of Memoir is an excellent, rich resource for you. Consider adding it to your library. And check out her new website, Beth Kephart Books.