Back to Basics: How do you write about your family’s baggage?

 

Your relatives and mine include a lot of fine people, but let’s be honest: Our family trees include at least a few dysfunctional people—parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles.

 

And our generation has skeletons in the closet. And maybe our kids and grandkids do, too. Every family has baggage.

 

You know—

• the one who should have protected you but didn’t
• the bully
• the controller
• the know-it-all
• the manipulator
• the narcissist
• the gossip
• the petty one who always looked for ways to take offense
• the wife-beater
• the critic
• the egotistical and self-absorbed
• the double-crosser
• the drunkard
• the liar
• the murderer
• the adulterer
• the sex addict
• the drug addict
• the thief.

 

Imperfect people have influenced you.

 

Some have played major roles in your life.

 

So . . . how should you write about them

and their baggage?

 

First, examine your motive. That is all-important!

 

Promise yourself to refrain from humiliating anyone. Refuse to get even. Avoid shaming. Remember: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:17, 21). (See last week’s post, Don’t start writing your memoir until. . . ”) 

 

Writing a memoir can bring

much-needed healing to you, so that’s good.

 

And you can help break the cycle

of hand-me-down hang-ups

that crippled your family’s generations—

just focus on the right reason

to write about people in your past.

 

“God’s Word clearly expresses what a good and effective teacher the past can be. The past will be a good teacher if we will simply approach it as a good student, from the perspective of what we can gain and how God can use it for His glory. (Beth Moore, Breaking  Free)

 

First, seek to be at peace with God:

 

Recognize that like your family members, you have made and will make mistakes in raising your children and relating to your grandchildren. Your flaws might be different than those of your relatives, but you have your own shortcomings. And failures. And dysfunctions. (Don’t miss an earlier post: A sobering reality: Everyone’s dysfunctional.)

 

Banish bitterness.

Ask for God’s forgiveness.

Accept His forgiveness.

Allow God to wrap you in His grace and mercy.

 

Wrapped in God’s grace and mercy—that’s where you find peace with God.

 

In writing your memoir,

you don’t have to act as if sins against you

and others were okay.

They were not.

 

But I encourage you offer your family members

the same forgiveness, grace, and mercy

God has extended to you.

(You might want to meet with a therapist—

just be sure he or she is competent.

Not all are trustworthy!)

 

Read the following slowly, and then read it again. Take in its message:

 

“Thank God that although you cannot change the past,

He can help you change what you’re doing with it!

And the changes He makes in you in the present

can certainly change the future!”

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free)

 

Next week we’ll continue with insights from William Zinsser, such a dear man, about how to write about those who wounded you. Don’t miss it. His message is powerful!

 

How do you write about your family’s baggage?

 

Your ancestors and mine included a lot of fine people, but let’s be honest: Our family trees also include at least a few dysfunctional people—parents, grandparents, great-grandparents. Some carried out unhealthy practices and held offensive attitudes.

 

And now our generation has skeletons in the closet. Every family has baggage.

 

You know—the enabler.

 

Or the one who should have protected you but didn’t.

 

The bully, the controller, the know-it-all.

 

The petty one always looking for ways to take offense and blame you.

 

Your grandfather might have been a wife-beater.

 

Perhaps your father was quick to criticize and slow to praise.

 

Maybe your mother was egotistical and self-absorbed.

 

Your family tree might include a drunkard, a liar, murderer, adulterer, sex addict, drug addict, or a thief.

 

Even Jesus’ genealogical chart shows ill-famed characters: Rahab was a prostitute and King Manasseh deliberately defied God, carried out evil, and led God’s people astray.

 

Your family’s imperfect people have influenced you.

 

Some of the dysfunctional ones have played major roles in your life.

 

So, how should you, a memoirist, write about your people and their baggage?

 

First, examine your motive. That is all-important!

 

Hear this: Memoir is not about revenge.

 

Forbid yourself to use your memoir to shame people.

 

Refrain from humiliating anyone.

 

Refuse to get even.

 

Writing a memoir can bring much-needed healing

to you, the writer.

 

And writing can help break the cycle

of hand-me-down hang-ups

that crippled your family’s generations—

 

but focus on the right reason to write about your people.

 

“God’s Word clearly expresses

what a good and effective teacher the past can be.

The past will be a good teacher

if we will simply approach it as a good student,

from the perspective of what we can gain

and how God can use it for His glory.”

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free)

 

Do everything you must to be at peace with God:

• Recognize that like your parents and grandparents, you have made and will make mistakes in your marriage, in raising children, and in relating to grandchildren.
• Your malfunctions might be different from those of your parents or grandparents but, be assured, you have your own shortcomings and failures.
• Ask for God’s forgiveness.
• Accept His forgiveness.
• Allow God to wrap you in His grace and mercy.

 

Wrapped in God’s grace and mercy—that’s where you find peace with God.

 

Then pass it on: In writing your memoir,

you don’t need to act as if sins against you and others

were somehow okay.

They weren’t.

But I encourage you to extend to your ancestors

the same forgiveness, grace, and mercy God extended to you.

 

Read the following slowly, and then read it again. Take in its message:

 

“Thank God that

although you cannot change the past,

He can help you change what you’re doing with it!

And the changes He makes in you

in the present

can certainly change the future!”

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free)

 

Tuesday Tidbit: Are you writing a memoir for the right reasons?

Let's be sure we write our memoirs

for the right reasons

and with the right attitudes.

How do you write about your family’s baggage?

Your family and mine include dysfunctional people. Parents, grandparents, great-grandparents—some carried out unhealthy practices and held offensive attitudes. 

And now our generation has skeletons in the closet. Every family has baggage.

You know—the enabler.

Or the one who should have protected you but didn’t.

The bully, the controller, the know-it-all.

The petty one always looking for ways to take offence and blame you.

Your grandfather might have been a wife-beater. 

Perhaps your father was quick to criticize and slow to praise. 

Maybe your mother was egotistical and self-absorbed. 

Your family tree might include a drunkard or abuser, a liar, murderer, adulterer, sex addict, drug addict, or thief.

Even Jesus’ genealogical chart shows ill-famed characters: Rahab was a prostitute and King Manasseh deliberately defied God, carried out evil, and led God’s people astray. 

Yes, your family, like every family, has lots of good people and a few flawed people, and those people have influenced you. 

Some of the dysfunctional ones have played major roles in your life. 

So how should you, a memoirist, write about your people and their baggage?

First, examine your motive. It is all-important! 

Hear this: Memoir is not about revenge.

Forbid yourself to use your memoir to shame people.

Refrain from humiliating anyone. 

Refuse to get even. 

Writing a memoir can bring much-needed healing to you, the writer, but focus on the right reason to write about your past. 

Writing can help break the cycle of hand-me-down hang-ups that crippled your family’s generations, but focus on the right reason to write about your past.

“God’s Word clearly expresses 

what a good and effective teacher the past can be. 

The past will be a good teacher 

if we will simply approach it as a good student, 

from the perspective of what we can gain 

and how God can use it for His glory.”

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free; emphasis mine)

Do everything you must to be at peace with God:

Recognize that like your parents and grandparents, you have made and will make mistakes in raising your children and relating to your grandchildren. 

Your malfunctions might be different from those of your parents or grandparents but, be assured, you have your own shortcomings and failures. 

Ask for God’s forgiveness. 

Accept His forgiveness. 

Allow God to wrap you in His grace and mercy. 

Wrapped in God’s grace and mercy—that’s where you find peace with God. 

That’s where you find God’s healing in your life. 

Then pass it on: In writing your memoir, extend to your ancestors the same forgiveness, grace, and mercy God extended to you.

Read the following slowly, and then read it again. Take in its message:

“Thank God that 

although you cannot change the past, 

He can help you change what you’re doing with it! 

And the changes He makes in you 

in the present 

can certainly change the future! 

Hallelujah! Our God reigns!” 

(Beth Moore, Breaking Free; emphasis mine)