Your memoir: Are you sure that’s what you’re writing?

What is memoir?

Because I recently gave a talk about writing memoirs, I’ve been reviewing the definition of memoir.

It’s good to remind ourselves of such specifics from time to time.

So here we go!

When people sign up for my memoir classes, I often hear, “A memoir class! Terrific! I love journaling!”

Yes, sometimes people confuse writing a memoir with journaling, or with writing autobiography, so let’s distinguish between them.

Your journal is private, but you write a memoir for others to read.

An autobiography documents your entire life, starting with your birth, but memoir focuses on a segment of your life—a specific theme or time period—which you explore in depth. A memoir is merely a slice of life.

In other words, a person can write a memoir based on a theme: my life as a public school teacher in Miami, or as a linesman at Wimbledon. My memoir, Grandma’s Letters from Africa, covers a time period, my first four years in Africa.

Pondering, examining, unraveling, musing, and reflecting are necessary ingredients in a memoir.

Spiritual Memoirs 101’s theme is Deuteronomy 4:9, Always remember the things you’ve seen God do for you, and be sure to tell your children and grandchildren!

In writing a spiritual memoir, you’ll examine what God was doing as you see it now, in retrospect. You’ll look for deeper lessons God had for you in the events—mostly everyday events—of your life.

Look for God's fingerprints all over your life!

Looking back, how did certain events, experiences, or people change your life? What new perspectives did you gain? What new person did you become?

Who or what changed the direction of your life? Who or what impacted your choices in career, marriage partner, parenting style, and financial responsibility?

Who or what comforted you, warned you, charmed, redirected, inspired, guided, informed, challenged, or enlightened you?

What patterns in your faith did you discover that you hadn’t noticed before?

What did you learn about God?

Do you now have a better understanding of God’s purpose for your life?

How did the experience strengthen your faith for future challenges?

In summary, your stories will capture how you remember God’s activities in your life—they can be everyday events—and what you discovered about both God and yourself.

Dig deep. Tunnel down below the surface.

Maybe coincidences and chance encounters were much more—they were God in action: orchestrating, arranging, and shaping your life’s direction.

Include your thoughts—even your struggles—to understand what was going on. Write out your delights as well as your doubts. Ask questions even if you have no answers.

Mull over,

sift through,

analyze,

explore,

untangle,

sort out.

What was God doing as you see it now, in retrospect?

A memoir can be a few pages or book-length, but I suggest you start by writing a collection of vignettes or short chapters.

I hope to make it easy to begin writing your memoir. Here are a few tips:

• Start small: choose two or three occasions in which God acted on behalf of you or your family. For example, think back to turning points, answered prayer, decisions, or the happiest day of your life. For now, avoid traumatic or complicated stories; you’ll learn the craft of memoir more easily if you start with straightforward events.
• Do you need a story idea? Look through your Bible or a devotional for phrases you underlined and notes you jotted in the margin. Such notations can help you remember a significant situation in your life.
• While you write, ask yourself the above questions. Answers might not surface quickly but when they do, include them in your stories.
• Include humor. (See links below.) 
• Write rough drafts, three to five pages for each story. (You’ll revise your rough drafts a lot—everyone does—so don’t worry about perfecting them yet.) These will be chapters in your finished memoir. You can write stand-alone pieces or a series of related stories.
• Enjoy your writing!

 Writing your memoir is a grand undertaking!

Your stories will help shape the spiritual lives of your children,

grandchildren, great-grandchildren,

and anyone else who reads them (your “spiritual children”).

Your memoir could be the finest gift you’ll ever give,

so pray for God’s help!

Related posts:

God’s fingerprints

Make ‘em laugh

Like a sneak attack

Your memoir: Writing about the really tough stuff

Lately we’ve been writing vignettes about old age. Such stories can offer some of your most important messages to your kids, grandkids, and future generations.

Start this collection of stories with humor because:

• Humor connects your readers with you,
• when you make them laugh, or at least chuckle, they enjoy you,
• they might even think you’re an OK person despite your antiquarianishness,
• can lead your readers to accept you—or maybe even like you—and that’s important because:
• establishing rapport lets you address the tough stuff with them later.

In other words, it can “give you greater access to their hearts.” (Chuck Swindoll)

(Don’t miss Like a sneak attack. Starting with humor is one of the most effective, powerful techniques a memoirist can use.) 

Today, let’s think about that tough stuff, the sensitive issues, the difficult but important topics.

For example:

How do you want people to care for your loved ones in their old age?

How do you want people to treat you when you’re old and feeble?

Stories could impact the way you and your loved ones are treated in old age.

Take this story, for example:

The Wooden Bowl

(folktale)

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated.

“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son. “I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating and food on the floor.” So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food in when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what had to be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.

And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

That is one version of an ancient folktale told in many cultures since around 1535.

Did it pierce your heart? It did mine.

Being elderly is often humiliating: feeble feet, unsteady hands, wispy voice, mixed-up memory, bungled hearing, blurred sight.  Being elderly is to be weak and vulnerable and insecure 24/7. 

Elder abuse, or at least insensitivity, has occurred for centuries. The stories you tell your kids and grandkids and great-grands can bring a halt to such neglect and hurt.  They can help keep elders' dignity intact.

As you compile your memoir, remember: You don't need to write of only your first-hand experiences. I've included "The Wooden Bowl" in stories for my grandchildren. You can, too.

Such stories are important. They can touch minds and hearts, restore humanity, inspire gentleness.

Stories can right wrongs. 

Stores can help all of us face the unknown of growing old and frail.

The stories you include in your memoir could change the way your readers view old age and old people and you. Maybe they'll realize that they, too, will someday become aged and wobbly.

Your stories could make someone's life, maybe even yours, better than it might have been.

Related posts:

Make ‘em laugh

Growing old: the silly side 

Growing old, humor, and the elephant in the room

Growing old, humor, and the elephant in the room

Your vignettes about growing old can be among your most powerful stories. I encourage you to include several in your memoir—your own stories or those of others. (If you missed Part 1 about growing old, click on this link: Growing old: the silly side.)

Now, your readers might assume an elderly person is a feeble, tired, out-of-date fuddy duddy, but don’t let them get away with that!

You have this opportunity to educate younger generations about old-timers. Life for all generations can be better if you share your wisdom and insights.

One of the best ways of doing that, or maybe the best way, is to start with humor, something light-hearted, funny, amusing …

Something like this tall tale:

Two old women were sitting on a park bench outside a town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One lady leaned over and said to the other, “Life is so boring. We never have fun anymore. For five dollars, I’d take off my clothes and streak through that flower show.”

“You’re on!” laughed the woman, holding up a five dollar bill.

The first little old lady wiggled out of her clothes and, naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

From outside, her friend heard a commotion inside the hall, and then applause.

In a few moments the naked woman burst through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

“What happened?” asked her curious friend.

“I won First Prize for Best Dried Arrangement.”

(author unknown)

When you start with humorous stories, you do more than entertain:

• Humor gets your readers’ attention: it pulls them in and keeps them reading.
• It connects your readers with you.
• It can gain readers’ admiration and acceptance.
• Humor endears you to your readers.
• Funniness makes you seem real. You are no longer a vague author lurking in shadows. Instead, your reader has spent a happy time with you and feels like he knows you and, as a result, he likes you. He wants to know you better.
• Laughter is a universal language, a common connector, a shared experience.
• Humor lets you and your readers tackle the elephant in the room.

What is that elephant in the room? It’s the issues no one’s talking about (at least not to your face; they might, however, talk about them behind your back).

Here’s the elephant in the room:

When you grow old, your body is no longer young and firm, your hair grays, your face wrinkles, your neck skin droops and wobbles, your hand shakes, your mind forget things, and your balance isn’t as good as it used to be. You are considered undependable, if not downright dangerous, and they take away your car. Some day you’re going to die. You’ll be dead. Until then, your physical and mental health will continue to deteriorate. You’ll start to smell bad. You could end up dependent upon others to feed you, bathe you, dress you, brush your teeth, and carry out all your personal needs. It’s not pretty. In fact, some people consider it disgusting.

That’s the elephant in the room.

Humor, however, lets you acknowledge the obvious. It brings sensitive issues out of the darkness and into the light. It offers your readers a look at realities through fresh eyes.

And then something lovely can happen: Looking at aging in a humorous way can soothe tension and soften uneasiness younger people might feel. Humor can make old people appear less alien, not as weird and creepy as the younger generation thought. The experience helps them realize they don’t need to distance themselves from old-timers.

Looking at aging in a light-hearted way can also reinforce this truth: Aging is natural. It can help younger generations accept aging as a normal part of life that even they will experience. Chuck Swindoll says it this way: “… The story gives them permission to laugh at the struggles that every [person] inevitably faces.…” (Touching Others With Your Words)

Since aging is a normal part of life, oldsters might as well enjoy it! Make the most of it!

When you share stories about the funny side of old age, your message is something like this: I know I’m old, but it’s not a failure on my part—it’s a natural part of the cycle of life. It happens to everyone, so I choose to see the glass half full, not half empty. I’m making the best of my situation. I’m enjoying life as much as I can.

This next little story sheds light on another reality: Elderly people have Senior Moments. But hey, that, too, is a natural part of life! We might as well acknowledge it with light-heartedness. 

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four men in the act of stealing it.

She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and screamed, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The men jumped out and ran for their lives.

The lady, shaken, loaded her shopping bags into the car and sat down in the driver's seat, but she was so flustered she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.  She tried and tried, and then, slowly, it dawned on her. She jumped out of the car and grabbed her bags.

A few minutes later, she found her car parked a few spaces down the aisle. She loaded her bags, drove to the police station, and turned herself in. The sergeant couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. (author unknown)

Like Chuck Swindoll says, "Humor makes difficult truths easier to accept." 

Your task: Challenge your readers’ preconceived notions of being old.  Shake ‘em up a bit.

Looking at old age in a light-hearted way, oldsters and the youngsters together, lets everyone breathe easier. It defuses, it disarms, it helps remove mysteries. It eases awkwardness younger generations probably feel, and can make way for compassion and respect.

I encourage you to write a few vignettes about aging. By starting with one or more humorous stories, you establish a connection with your readers, and, of great importance: you make it possible to be heard later. (More on that next week.)

Growing old: the silly side

Old people’s stories, I suspect, proffer more oomph than young people’s stories.  

They share richer wisdom.

Send more potent messages.

Tug stronger on hearts.

They offer valuable lessons for all of us—stories that would bless our kids and grandkids and great-grandkids—if we’d just write them.

What stories can you write about becoming elderly?

Keep in mind that growing old is a touchy subject.

Kenny Rogers nailed it when he said, 

“Growing older is not upsetting; 

being perceived as old is.”

If you’re my age, you know the surprise—the dismay, hurt, sadness—of being perceived as “old.” I guess there are two reasons for that. (1) Young people assume being an old-timer is a negative thing, and (2) you don’t consider yourself an old-timer anyway.

Harsh words, these: old as Methuselah, old as the hills, older than dirt, old fogy, past one’s prime, aged, antiquated, hoary, tottering, feeble of mind and foot….

But we are so much more than those words! Oh, yes, we are.

So, shake up your readers a little. Challenge their preconceived notions of being old. 

Plan on writing several vignettes and remember to do this for your readers: “Make ‘em cry, make ‘em laugh, make ‘em wait” (Wilkie Collins). But start with something funny.

Humor endears you to your reader.

Funniness makes you seem real. You are no longer a vague author lurking in shadows. Instead, your reader has spent a happy time with you and, as a result, she likes you. He wants to know you better.

Laughter is a universal language, a common connector, a shared experience.

Somehow, laughing together earns you a right to be heard later, when you and your readers need to consider the serious stuff.

Humor can lighten the mood when writing about heavy topics—and old age has its heartaches. Humor can provide much-needed perspective and balance.

So, start with something funny, or at least amusing, about growing old. Make ‘em laugh.

Perhaps your grandkids think of you as an important businessman or a dignified pastor or a very proper little old lady. But do they know about your funny side? Practical jokes you pulled? Outrageous hilarity?

Here are a few smile-worthy quotes I’ve collected over the years. Perhaps they’ll give you ideas for your “old fogy” vignettes.

“I believe you should live every day as if it’s your last. That is why I don’t have any clean laundry—because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of her life?!”  (Cathy Ladman)

“‘Old’ is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.” (Phyllis Diller)

“I got my doctor's permission to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.” (author unknown)

“Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.’ Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’” (author unknown)

“You know you’re getting old when someone tells you your pantyhose are wrinkled and you aren’t wearing any.”  (author unknown)

“I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.”  (Roseanne Barr)

“Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels….” (author unknown)

“Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.” (author unknown)

Surprise your readers. Give them a chuckle. Maybe you need to shake them up and change how they view elderly people those enjoying their golden years.

Write your stories on old age and, in at least one vignette, make ‘em laugh.

If you’re still a young ’un, what have you learned by watching friends, colleagues, or loved ones get on in years? Have they surprised you? How have they role-modeled for you that old people can still be young at heart, even comical?

Your stories are important. They can be anchors for your kids, grandkids, and great-grands as they help loved ones through old age—and as they face aging themselves someday.