“Beating back the past with grace . . . and with the power of language.”

Every human has experienced pain—pain caused by bullies, or unfaithful spouses, or flawed churches, or ill-equipped parents, or egotistical bosses, or cheating co-workers, or jealous siblings. The list could go on and on.

Such experiences shape people, define people. They can result in festering wounds for years. Sometimes people can’t get over the injustice of it all.

And many write memoirs about hurt and unfairness they’ve suffered.

It’s okay to write about such experiences

• if doing so helps you heal and
• if your goal is to help others heal from their own painful pasts.

But you must write your story with the correct perspective and honorable motives. 

William Zinsser, one of my dearest writing mentors, says this:

“The marvel of Frank McCourt’s childhood is that he survived it. . . . The second marvel is that he was able to triumph over it in Angela’s Ashes, beating back the past with grace and humor and with the power of language. Those same qualities are at the heart of all the good memoirs. . . .”

Zinsser mentions three such memoirs, A Drinking Life, by Pete Hamill, The Liar’s Club by Mary Karr, and This Boy’s Life by Tobias Wolff.

He continues, “Anyone might think the domestic chaos and alcoholism and violence that enveloped those writers when they were young would have long since hardened the heart. . . .  

“Yet they look back with compassion. . . .  These books . . . were written with love.

“They elevate the pain of the past with forgiveness, arriving at a larger truth about families in various stages of brokenness. There’s no self-pity, no whining, no hunger for revenge; the authors are as honest about their young selves as they are about the sins of their elders.

“We are not victims, they want us to know. . . .  We have endured to tell the story without judgment and to get on with our lives. . . .”

Zinsser offers advice to today’s memoirists writing about people who caused pain:

“If you must use memoir to look for your own humanity and the humanity of the people who crossed your life, however much pain they caused you, readers will connect with your journey.

“What they won’t connect with is whining. Dispose of that anger someplace else.

“Get your intention clear before you start and tell your story with integrity.” (Writing About Your Life)

Remember Romans 8:28: “We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him” (NCV).

That verse reminds me of something Chuck Swindoll said many years ago, something along these lines: “God will not waste your suffering.” That fits with this Bible verse:

“I will not cause pain without allowing

something new to be born, says the Lord.” 

Isaiah 66:9 (NCV)

Chuck Swindoll elaborates on that: “Pain, when properly handled, can shape a life for greatness. History is replete with stories of those whose struggles and scars formed the foundation for remarkable achievements. In fact, it was because of their hardship they gained what they needed to achieve greatness.” (Chuck Swindoll, Insight for Today).

Read Isaiah 66:9 again, believing it is aimed directly at you: “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.”

Believe that God can use your pain and injustices

as preparation for exceptional feats and triumphs—

such as, among other life-changing things,

sharing your story in a memoir.

Let’s choose our attitude and our words carefully. “Rid yourselves of . . . anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language. . . ” (Colossians 3:8).

“Let your [words] be full of grace, seasoned with salt [a preservative]. . . ” (Colossians 4:6, NIV).

“Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others . . . not put them down. . . ” (Colossians 4:6, The Message).

We read this in Henri Nouwen’s Bread for the Journey: “It is so important to choose words wisely. When we are boiling with anger and eager to throw bitter words at our opponents, it is better to remain silent. Words spoken [or written] in rage will make reconciliation very hard. Choosing life and not death, blessings and not curses [Deuteronomy 30:19], often starts by . . . choosing carefully the words that open the way to healing.”

Nouwen also writes: “Often we remain silent when we need to speak [or write]. Without words, it is hard to love well. When we say to [our loved ones] ‘I love you very much,’ . . . we choose to give life.

“It is not always easy to express our love directly in words. But whenever we do, we discover we have offered a blessing that will be long remembered. . . . A whole new blessed place can be opened up, a space where it is good to dwell. Indeed, words have the power to create life.”

Write a memoir full of love, honesty, and grace.

Write a memoir that shines light on not only your own darkness,

but also shines light on the darkness of others.

Offer readers hope and healing.

Offer words with the power to create life.

Your epilogue tells readers what happened after your memoir’s conclusion

You completed a rough draft of your memoir’s chapters.

Next, you crafted a satisfying, memorable Grand Finale for your readers. (If you missed the last three posts on your memoir’s all-important ending, click on links below.)

Now it’s time to work on your epilogue.

The epilogue plays a different role than your story’s final chapters.  

Your final chapters should be your conclusion. An epilogue is not a conclusion. It serves as a follow-up, telling readers what happened after your memoir’s conclusion.

Readers have come to know you and your story’s main characters. They care about you and your causes and, as a result, they want to know more.

Write your epilogue as a message addressed to those readers.

Your epilogue can answer questions: “Where are they now? What are they doing now?” It can also invite them to get involved in a cause (such as a ministry or blog) by supplying information and links to get them started.

“An epilogue provides comments outside the main action

that give insight into what happened.

The main actions in the book

may take place in one period

and the reader will want to know

what happened afterward.

That kind of follow-up

could appear in an epilogue.”

(Writers and Editors)

That’s what my new memoir’s epilogue did. Please, God, Don’t Make Me Go ended when my husband and kids and I left South America and returned to the States, but within the main body of the memoir I had written about what would take place after we left: the kidnapping and murder of our coworker, Chet Bitterman, and the kidnapping of another coworker, Ray Rising. Those were significant events I wanted readers to know about, including long-term ramifications, so I included those specifics in my epilogue.

Epilogues can serve another purpose, too. They can explain to readers what your current view is of what happened in your story.

Since writing memoir requires retrospection, examination, and piecing together past events, writers usually stumble upon key insights they missed earlier in life. Through writing, they gain a perspective that evaded them in the past. They begin to make sense of an experience or relationship.  So, you can use your epilogue to share those insights and current views with your readers.

Sharon Lippincott writes about that function of an epilogue. In her excellent The Heart and Craft of Lifestory Writing, she writes:

“Many stories, especially those about events when you were young, may be more valuable or meaningful to readers if you add a few thoughts at the end about how you see things now. The simplest way to handle this is to add an epilogue explaining the insight you’ve gained that has changed the way you view the situation.”

Sharon gives a couple of examples of wording to use: “I would be middle-aged before I fully comprehended that. . . .” and “Over twenty years later, he was diagnosed . . . and I finally understood . . . .”

Other useful phrases are:

• Looking back, it now occurs to me that . . . .
• I had no way to know back then that. . . .
• The way I see it now, years later. . . .
• Over the years, I’ve come to accept. . . .
• Twenty years later, I discovered. . . .
• It took me a decade to realize. . . .
• At the time, neither of us knew what was happening or why, but. . . .

Sharon Lippincott also writes about the value of sharing her current-day thoughts from an adult perspective.

She writes this about one of her vignettes, The Rocking Chair: “The main story took place when I was about sixteen. . . . Since the story recounts some typically teenage resentments of my mother, I wanted to temper the harshness of that judgment by pulling the story into the context of adult understanding. I did this in the epilogue rather than spoiling the authenticity of the memory by interjecting current thoughts into the story body.” (from The Heart and Craft of Lifestory Writing)

You can do what Sharon did: share your current-day thoughts in “the context of adult understanding.” Readers will appreciate that.

However you choose to write your epilogue,

create a rich experience for readers,

one that will make them glad they read your memoir.

Perhaps they’ll recommend it to others.

And maybe they’ll even write a review of your book (!!!)

on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Goodreads.

(See links below about how to submit book reviews.)

Links for how to submit book reviews:

HOW TO SUBMIT BOOK REVIEWS ON AMAZON. Be sure to check their Community Guidelines. Among other restrictions, if you haven’t spent $50 at Amazon in the past twelve months, you cannot leave a review.

HOW TO SUBMIT BOOK REVIEWS ON BARNES AND NOBLE. Click on links toward the bottom of that page.

HOW TO SUBMIT A BOOK REVIEW ON GOODREADS. 


Recent posts about your memoir's ending:

Back to basics: Your memoir's Grand Finale, Part 1
Back to basics: Your memoir's ending, Part 2
Inspiration for your memoir's all-important ending, Part 3

Inspiration for your memoir’s all-important ending, Part 3

Roy Peter Clark offers advice on how to craft your memoir’s ending, but starts with how not to craft it: “The end of your story may say to the reader, ‘I decided to stop writing here.’”

But that’s not how to end a story.

Maybe you’ve read books in which you can almost hear the author moan: “I just want to be done with writing this book.” (I’ve been there. How about you?)

Remember, you’re writing for more than yourself. You’re also writing for your readers. An abrupt end without closure will surprise them. It will leave them with questions. Readers need perspective, resolution, hope.

People read stories so they’ll learn from others how to solve problems, choose faith and courage, be tenacious, survive, thrive, have strong morals, and figure things out, among many others.

After investing so much time and heart and emotion 

into writing your story, make your ending shine.

Bring your story full circle. End on a high note.

Refuse to write simplistic endings and trite conclusions.

Roy Peter Clark continues, “ . . . If you have the readers’ needs in mind, you want your ending to be more than that [‘I decided to stop writing here’].”

“If your story is short, you want your ending to ‘stick the landing,’ the way a great gymnast completes a [vault].

“If your story is long, your ending should serve as a reward to your reader for following you to that destination. . . .

“Don’t make your readers grumble when they finish your story. Make them laugh, cry, cheer, write a note to their mothers. All accomplished with a great ending.” (Roy Peter Clark)

“Punch up your ending with a powerful thought that lingers,” says Karen Zey.

People long to discover universal truths,

transforming truths,

spiritual truths,

underlying truths,

relevant truths.

Your readers yearn to take away such truths

from your life and memoir.

They want to apply them to their own lives.

  

Use your memoir and its ending to make people think.

Too few people think deeply anymore—about anything.

Make people think!

Inspire them to think outside the box.

How do you want people to think

because they read your memoir?

What do you want people to do

because they read your memoir?

How do you want them to live

because they read your memoir?

Readers want a compelling, satisfying ending 

that gives them inspiration for living. 

Give them that kind of ending.

Back to basics: Your memoir’s ending, Part 2

Sunday at church, a lady came up to me and gushed, “I just read the end of your memoir!”

She wore an enormous smile but had no words beyond those eight—she was speechless. But she waved her hands and gestured with her arms and let out a few sighs, and her non-stop smile continued to light up her face.

As you might imagine, her words pleased me.

But that’s not my point. 

My point is this: The ending of Please, God, Don’t Make Me Go: A Foot-Dragger’s Memoir resonated with her. It must have made sense to her. It left her feeling the way she did.

Your job as a memoirist is to set aside plenty of time to craft your memoir’s ending. You want it to end on a high note so readers will long remember it.

How do you do that?

Ask yourself, “I had a reason to start writing this memoir. What was it?”

If you pinpoint your reason to begin writing your story, you’ll have a better idea of how you want it to end.

Ask yourself:

• In what ways am I a different person because of what I experienced in my story? (Click on What is a memoir: Back to basics)
• What principles do I want my story to illustrate?
• What attributes of God do I want to shine in my story?
• What Bible verses or passages capture the point of my memoir?
• What lessons do I want readers to apply to their own lives?
• What change do I hope to see in my readers because of my story?

You might get out a sheet of paper and divide it into two columns. In the left one write, “The reason I’m writing my memoir is _________” and fill in the blank. 

In the right column, write, “The message I want readers to take away from my memoir is _________” and fill in the blank—realizing you won’t likely know the final version of your ending until you’ve written all your chapters.

That’s because, within the process of writing, our stories often take us directions we didn’t anticipate.

And that’s because the process of writing can open our eyes to things we overlooked before.

That, in turn, can change the end of our story. (Click on last week’s post, Back to basics: Your memoir’s Grand Finale, Part 1.)

You might not know the heart and soul and best ending until you’ve finished your first draft and have made time to mull it over—and that could take weeks, or months, or even years.

But that’s okay. As you keep writing, these will become more evident.

When you’ve finished and polished 

the main body of your memoir, 

finalize your Grand Finale 

so readers will resonate 

with your memoir’s significance.

The beauty of your memoir will shine brightest

in its carefully crafted ending.

“Make sure no loose ends hang from the story

that leave people wondering.

They will feel the story isn’t over. . . .”

You want readers to feel the story is over, to feel that:

“The story has been told, the tension resolved,

the consequences shown. . . .”

(Craig Brian Larson, “How to Tell A Moving Story”)

from The Art and Craft of Biblical Preaching)

Leave your readers satisfied. 

Leave them celebrating 

all God has done in your life. 

Leave them thankful and changed 

because they read your memoir.

Back to basics: Your memoir’s Grand Finale, Part 1

While you’re writing your memoir, keep in mind where you’re heading: Build toward your ending.

Your ending is the most important part of your book 

for both you and your readers.

For that reason, never, never, never settle for this trite, anemic conclusion: “And they lived happily ever after.”

For the benefit of (a) yourself and (b) your readers, pin down the heart and soul of your story.

But consider this: Most of us don’t know precisely how our memoirs will end because, within the process of writing, our stories often take us directions we didn’t anticipate.

That process of writing can open our eyes to things we overlooked before and that, in turn, can change the end of our story.

You might not know the heart and soul and best ending until you’ve finished your first draft and have made time to mull it over—and that could take weeks, or months, or even years.

But that’s okay. As you keep writing, these will become more evident.

The beauty of memoir is that you write much more than just events and details. You uncover a story larger than the one on the surface.

You excavate a story deeper and higher and wider than the immediate one.

Dig it out in pieces if you must—but dig it out.

Here’s the key: You must make time, must be deliberate in reflecting, pondering, digging. Discover new insights and patterns and connections that significantly impacted your experience and your life.

Use your Grand Finale to highlight your story’s most important points, those messages you want your readers to treasure and incorporate into their own lives.

Keep this in mind:

The beauty of your memoir

will shine brightest in its conclusion.

Come back next week

for additional inspiration

in crafting your memoir’s ending.

Ideas and inspiration for you as you write your memoir

Every so often I post quotations, poems, and Bible verses to trigger ideas for vignettes or themes to include in your memoir.

I’m happy to say I have the next batch ready for you. At least one of these quotations will remind you of a significant experience from your past—maybe a lesson you learned, or perhaps a major life-changing decision, or an insight that helped everything fall into place.

Or maybe one of these will help clarify why you chose your career, or married your spouse, or stopped doing something, or started doing something. The possibilities are endless.

So, settle in and take a couple of minutes to ponder these inspiring quotations.

“I trembled, yet my heart’s deep trust replied, ‘So be it, Lord.’” Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

“Wisdom is . . . understanding we’re not a pretty box of identical pastel-colored macarons lined up in formation on tissue paper, rather a mess of broken and crumbled biscuits at the bottom of a rumpled package. A beautiful and beloved mess.” Linda Hoye

“I the Lord do not change” (Malachi 3:6, NCV). “Gracious God . . . You do not change. May Your changeless love and reliability give me the courage to change what needs to be changed in my life.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

“I often misinterpret the hardships of my life as evidence that God is against me.” RyanChase. (Read his whole post, “Strength for Today, Hope for Tomorrow.”)

“The human hand—this bundle of bones, flesh, and nerves—think of all it can do. It can bless or curse. It can draw blood or bind a wound.  It is gentle, agitated, vicious; supplicating, ardent, tender. It can weld an iron bridge or caress a child’s head. It possesses the power to both harm and heal.” Karl Joseph Friedrich

God is not limited by your failures, weaknesses, feelings, thoughts, or fears. Linda K.Thomas

One song can spark a moment

One flower can wake a dream

One tree can start a forest

One bird can herald spring

One smile begins a friendship

One handclasp lifts a soul

One star can guide a ship at sea

One vote can change a nation

One sunbeam lights a room

One candle wipes out darkness

One laugh will conquer gloom

One step must start one journey

One word must start each prayer

One hope will raise our spirits

One touch can show you care

One voice can speak with wisdom

One heart can know what’s true.

One life can make a difference.

You see, it’s up to you.

(author unknown)

“Almighty God . . . some problems You won’t solve until I’m ready to be used by You in working out the solutions. Sometimes You wait until I am ready to be part of the miracle You want to perform. Show me what You want me to do.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

“Repentance is not merely saying, ‘I’m sorry.’ Repentance means your heart is broken over what you did, and more than anything, you want God to forgive you. It doesn’t stop there. Repentance means you choose to live differently in the future.” Linda K.Thomas

“LAUGH! Give yourself permission to laugh

—long and loud and out loud —

whenever anything strikes you as funny.

The people around you may think you’re strange,

but sooner or later they’ll join in

even if they don’t know what you’re laughing about.

Some diseases may be contagious,

but none is as contagious as the cure . . .

laughter.”

Peter McWilliams

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” Proverbs 4:23

“Listen... and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path.” Proverbs 23:26

“But there he sat. Scrunched in the corner by the door. Humble. Lowly. Dirty. One you would certainly miss if you weren’t looking. But I didn’t miss him; he was staring intently. His eyes met mine with both invitation and conviction. They practically asked me, Are you just like them? Another one rushing past me to get that cup of [coffee] to warm your hands for the day? Everything in me wanted to snap back, ‘Well, yes, I am. . . .’ But I didn’t. . . . I stopped. . . . I drew near, and the closer I got the more I couldn’t help but inhale his stench and observe his deep, dirty lines of life-pain. . . . God knew. He positioned that man at the door and me heading to it. He set up a [chance encounter] founded on the principle of love. . . . God’s deep affection was stored up in this chance connection of two unlikely souls. It often is . . . . What if I had pretended like I couldn’t see him or hear him and just kept walking?” Kelly Balarie

“God says, 

‘Dare to believe I have better rewards for you 

than the goals you pursue outside My will.’” 

Marie Chapian

“God is not ashamed of the lowliness of human beings. God marches right in. He chooses people as his instruments and performs his wonders where one would least expect them. God is near to lowliness; he loves the lost, the neglected, the unseemly, the excluded, the weak and broken.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“At strategic times of internal war I stop and ask myself,

‘What if this is a critical moment? 

What if this very thing, this very decision, 

is the most important piece of the puzzle comprising my purpose?’”

Beth Moore

"God is whispering well-nigh incessantly. Whenever the sounds of the world die out in the soul, or sink low, then we hear the whisperings of God. He is always whispering to us, only we do not hear, because of the noise, hurry, and distraction which life causes as it rushes on." F. W.Faber

"Refrain from shrieking or squawking."

Linda K. Thomas

"Be a leader in doing what is right." Linda K. Thomas

Look at yourself through the eyes of God: 

“If you were to think of yourself as I think of you, 

how different you would be. 

If you were to think of yourself as I think of you, 

how glad, how healthy, how satisfied you would be.” 

Marie Chapian

Be confident that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” Philippians 1:6

"Hope is not optimism. Hope is a dog fight for serious people determined to make it in a difficult world. Hope is not cute or whimsical, wishful thinking. It is a resolution to trust the promises of God even when everything around looks bleak. Hope is for grown-ups." Lee Younger

“Most of the time God’s promises are in your reach. They are not in your hand. You have to go get them.” Tony Evans

“Any grief we have gone through ourselves and given over to the Lord’s healing is a preparation for comforting others. . . . As one who has received comfort from Christ, I will think of myself as a communicator of comfort.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

“Don’t let what you’re afraid of keep you from what you were made for.” Bob Goff on Twitter

“When you realize God’s purpose for your life isn’t just about you, He will use you in a mighty way.” Tony Evans

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.  The true neighbor will risk his position, his prestige, and even his life for the welfare of others. In dangerous valleys and hazardous pathways, he will lift some bruised and beaten brother to a higher and more noble life." Martin Luther King, Jr.

“The Lord wants to use us as agents of encouragement.” Lloyd John Ogilvie

"Do the next thing." Elisabeth Elliot

“May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love. . . .” Ephesians 3:17

“. . . Our happiness does not depend on the work we are doing, the place we are in, our friends, our health, whether people notice us or not, praise us or not, understand us or not. No single one of the circumstances has any power in itself to upset the joy of God, but it can instantly and utterly quench it if we look at the circumstances instead of up into the Face of light and love that is looking down upon us—the Face of our own God.” Amy Carmichael

“Never once in [Scriptures] . . . is the Christian life regarded as something in any way naturally easy.” Amy Carmichael

“If you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul. Return to the Lord your God and obey Him. He is merciful and will not abandon or destroy you.” Deuteronomy 4:29-31

“If things are tough,

remember that every flower that ever bloomed

had to go through a whole lot of dirt to get there.”

Barbara Johnson

“The stories of our ancestors inspire the heroes of our future.” Author unknown

“Where we love is home—home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“The greatest act of courage is to simply keep facing one direction when everything in you wants to turn and run. Stand your shaky, holy ground.” Ann Voskamp

“Create in me a pure heart, O  God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10, NIV

What experiences or events 

or turning points 

came to mind when you read these quotes?

What stories can you tell about them?

What wisdom and blessing and hope 

will you share with others through your memoir?